Signs Someone Has Low Self-Esteem (And How It Affects Relationships)

Your partner constantly apologises for things they didn't do.

Your friend talks down about themselves constantly.

Your colleague doesn't apply for promotions even though they're qualified.

Your sister is in a bad relationship but won't leave.

These are all signs of low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem isn't just about feeling sad or unconfident. It's a fundamental belief that you're not worthy, not capable, or not lovable.

And it deeply affects relationships.

This article shows you the signs and explains why it matters.

What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is your overall evaluation of your own worth.

  • High self-esteem: You believe you're generally worthy and capable
  • Healthy self-esteem: You see both strengths and limitations realistically
  • Low self-esteem: You believe you're fundamentally inadequate, unworthy, or unlovable

Important distinction: Low self-esteem is different from humility. Humility is realistic self-assessment. Low self-esteem is negative bias—you underestimate your value.

12 Signs of Low Self-Esteem

Sign 1: Constant Self-Criticism

What they do:

  • Talk themselves down constantly ("I'm so stupid," "I'm a failure")
  • Apologise excessively
  • Take full blame for things that aren't their fault
  • Harsh internal voice

Example: They make a small mistake at work and spend the day thinking "I'm incompetent and shouldn't have this job."

Sign 2: Difficulty Accepting Compliments

What they do:

  • Dismiss compliments ("Oh, it was nothing")
  • Deflect ("You're just being nice")
  • Immediately follow with self-criticism ("Thanks, but I'm really not that good")
  • Uncomfortable when praised

Sign 3: People-Pleasing and Over-Accommodation

What they do:

  • Say yes to everything to avoid disappointing people
  • Difficulty setting boundaries
  • Put everyone else's needs before their own
  • Resentful after being taken advantage of (but don't address it)

Sign 4: Perfectionism

What they do:

  • Believe they have to be perfect to be acceptable
  • Can't handle mistakes
  • Spend excessive time on projects trying to make them flawless
  • Feel shame when falling short

Sign 5: Seeking Excessive Validation

What they do:

  • Constantly ask "Is this okay?"
  • Need reassurance repeatedly
  • Seek approval for decisions
  • Fish for compliments

Sign 6: Avoiding Challenges

What they do:

  • Stay in comfortable roles where they're already competent
  • Don't pursue goals they're interested in
  • Use "I can't" frequently
  • Avoid visibility or attention

Sign 7: Negative Self-Talk

What they say:

  • "I'm not good enough"
  • "I don't deserve this"
  • "I'm broken"
  • "Nobody would like me if they really knew me"

Sign 8: Difficulty with Assertiveness

What they do:

  • Don't speak up for themselves
  • Allow mistreatment
  • Have trouble saying no
  • Feel guilty asking for what they need

Sign 9: Comparing Constantly to Others

What they do:

  • Always see others as better
  • Feel less-than frequently
  • Compete to prove their worth
  • Feel threatened by others' success

Sign 10: Hypersensitivity to Criticism

What they do:

  • Interpret feedback as personal attack
  • Ruminate on criticism for days
  • Feel devastated easily
  • Become defensive

Sign 11: Relationship Dysfunction

What they do:

  • Stay in unhealthy relationships
  • Accept mistreatment
  • Have difficulty believing a partner loves them
  • Self-sabotage good relationships

Sign 12: Isolation or Social Withdrawal

What they do:

  • Avoid social situations
  • Believe they don't fit in
  • Keep people at distance
  • Feel lonely even around others

Origins of Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem usually develops from:

1. Critical or Dismissive Parenting

  • Parent constantly criticised or belittled
  • Parent was conditional in love (loved based on performance)
  • Parent didn't validate feelings or achievements

2. Trauma or Abuse

  • Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse teaches you that you're not safe or worthy
  • Bullying creates internalised negative beliefs
  • Significant loss or rejection reinforces unworthiness

3. Failure or Repeated Setbacks

  • Academic struggles → "I'm not smart"
  • Social rejection → "I'm unlovable"
  • Professional failure → "I'm incompetent"

4. Comparison Culture

  • Constantly compared to others
  • Learnt your worth is conditional on being "better"
  • Never felt "enough"

5. Internalised Societal Messages

  • Messages about not being the "right" type, appearance, gender, etc.
  • Media portrayal of ideal that you can't match
  • Discrimination or marginalisation

How Low Self-Esteem Affects Relationships

Impact 1: You Accept Mistreatment

If you don't believe you're worthy, you accept treatment others wouldn't.

  • Stay in relationships with critical or controlling partners
  • Don't address hurtful behaviour
  • Believe you're lucky anyone is with you

Impact 2: You Can't Receive Love Fully

If you don't believe you're lovable, when someone loves you, you:

  • Distrust it ("They don't really know me")
  • Sabotage it (prove they shouldn't love you)
  • Feel anxious constantly ("When will they leave?")

Impact 3: You Become Codependent

You pour all energy into making the other person happy to keep them.

  • Lose yourself in the relationship
  • Can't function without their validation
  • Feel responsible for their emotions

Impact 4: You Attract Unhealthy Partners

  • People-pleasers attract takers
  • Non-assertive people attract controllers
  • Those seeking validation attract narcissists

Impact 5: You Communicate Poorly

  • Don't share your needs clearly
  • Assume the worst about your partner's intentions
  • Can't ask for what you want

Impact 6: You Experience Chronic Anxiety

  • Hypervigilant to signs they're leaving
  • Constantly seeking reassurance
  • Exhausting for both of you

How to Build Healthy Self-Esteem

Step 1: Identify Your Origins

Where did your low self-esteem come from? Understanding helps you separate those messages from truth.

"My parent always criticised me" ≠ "I am bad" "I failed at that" ≠ "I am a failure"

Step 2: Challenge Your Negative Self-Talk

When you hear "I'm stupid," ask:

  • Is this absolutely true?
  • Would I say this to a friend?
  • What evidence contradicts this?
  • What's a more balanced thought?

Step 3: Practice Self-Compassion

Treat yourself like you'd treat a good friend.

  • When you make a mistake, say "Everyone makes mistakes. This is an opportunity to learn."
  • When you struggle, say "This is hard, and that's okay."

Step 4: Stop Seeking Validation From Others

Your worth doesn't come from:

  • How others see you
  • What you achieve
  • How you look
  • What you have

Your worth is inherent.

Step 5: Set Boundaries

Practice saying no. Practice asking for what you need. This teaches you (and others) that your needs matter.

Step 6: Get Professional Help

Therapy is valuable for working through origins of low self-esteem and building healthier beliefs.

Recommended Reading

Key Takeaway

Low self-esteem is learnt, which means it can be unlearnt. Building healthy self-esteem is one of the most valuable investments you can make—for yourself and your relationships.

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