How to Tell If Someone Is in Denial: 7 Clear Signs

You have a friend who drinks every night but says "It's fine, I control it". Your colleague complains about their partner constantly but won't leave or address issues. Your sister is clearly struggling financially but insists "Everything's great".

They're in denial.

Denial is a powerful defence mechanism where people refuse to acknowledge uncomfortable truths. It's not stupidity—it's psychology.

This article shows you how to recognise denial in others (and yourself) and what to do about it.

What Is Denial?

Denial is when someone refuses to accept or acknowledge reality because it conflicts with their self-image or causes emotional pain.

Key insight: Denial feels like truth to the person experiencing it. They're not lying—they genuinely don't see the problem.

7 Clear Signs Someone Is in Denial

Sign 1: They Minimise Problems

What they say:

  • "It's not that bad"
  • "I'm fine, everyone goes through this"
  • "It's not a big deal"

What's really happening: They're reducing the emotional weight of the problem by downplaying it.

Example: Someone drinks 5+ nights a week but says "Everyone drinks. It's totally normal."

Sign 2: They Blame External Factors

What they say:

  • "It's not my fault, it's [them/circumstances/bad luck]"
  • "If they just understood me..."
  • "The system is rigged against me"

What's really happening: They're avoiding responsibility by externalising the problem.

Example: Someone is fired and says "My boss was incompetent" instead of reflecting on their performance.

Sign 3: They Rationalise Contradictions

What they say:

  • Creates logical explanations that don't quite hold up
  • Changes their story when challenged
  • Finds reasons why their situation is "different"

What's really happening: They're constructing a narrative that protects their self-image.

Example: Someone says "I'm not addicted to my phone; I just use it a lot because I need it for work."

Sign 4: They Get Defensive When Confronted

What they do:

  • React with anger or hostility when problems are mentioned
  • Change the subject
  • Attack the person bringing up the issue

What's really happening: Their ego is threatened, so they defend it aggressively.

Example: You mention concerns about their drinking, and they snap: "Are you seriously judging me right now?"

Sign 5: They Avoid Situations That Might Reveal the Problem

What they do:

  • Skip doctor's appointments
  • Avoid conversations about difficult topics
  • Spend time only with people who won't challenge them
  • Make excuses to prevent situations that might expose the issue

What's really happening: On some level, they know there's a problem. They're avoiding evidence.

Example: Someone refuses to step on a scale or go to the doctor, even though they feel unhealthy.

Sign 6: Their Stories Keep Changing

What you notice:

  • Each time they talk about a situation, details are different
  • The "reason" for something changes week to week
  • They "forget" what they told you previously

What's really happening: They're constantly adjusting their narrative to maintain their self-image.

Example: One day they blame their friend for why they quit their job. Next week, they blame their boss. Next week, they claim it was always the plan.

Sign 7: They Refuse to Seek Help or Take Action

What they do:

  • Reject suggestions for change
  • Say "It'll get better on its own"
  • Refuse therapy, counselling, or practical solutions
  • Claim they don't need help

What's really happening: Seeking help would mean admitting the problem is real and serious.

Example: Someone acknowledges their relationship is unhappy but refuses couples therapy "because we don't need it."

Why People Use Denial

Denial is not stupidity—it's a survival mechanism. Acknowledging certain truths feels psychologically unbearable, so the mind refuses to see them.

Common Triggers for Denial

  • Identity threat: "If I admit this problem, who am I?"
  • Fear of judgement: "What will people think?"
  • Shame: "I can't handle being seen as flawed"
  • Powerlessness: "If I admit the problem, I have to do something about it"
  • Loss: "If I admit this is over, I have to grieve"

What to Do If Someone You Know Is in Denial

Don't Attack Their Denial

Confronting someone in denial aggressively strengthens their defence. They become more defensive, not less.

Do Express Concern Calmly

"I've noticed [specific behaviour]. I'm concerned because [specific impact]. I care about you."

Set Boundaries

You can't force someone out of denial. You can only protect yourself.

"I love you, but I can't be around [behaviour] anymore. If you want to work on this, I'm here."

Know When to Back Off

If they're not ready, pushing won't help. Sometimes people need to hit bottom before they're willing to see reality.

Denial in Yourself

The hardest part: recognising denial in yourself.

Ask yourself:

  • What truth am I not willing to see?
  • What would change if I admitted this?
  • Who would I have to be if I acknowledged this reality?
  • What am I avoiding?

Recommended Reading

Key Takeaway

Denial is a powerful defence mechanism. Recognising it in others helps you understand them with compassion. Recognising it in yourself is the first step to real change.

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